So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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