I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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