hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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