Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize