Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
