Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Randomize
