Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
