i barfeds in our rink
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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