Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Too much gin, very little bucket
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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