So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
