So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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