you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
