WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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