that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
