Please, let me fuck your mom
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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