I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
