Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
