Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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