ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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