Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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