to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize