Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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