you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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