At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
