How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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