Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
