Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
