no, he came in my armpit
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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