Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
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