her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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