We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
