You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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