I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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