You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
