I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
