I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
