God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
