my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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