Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
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