Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
