My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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