i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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