I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
