those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
