i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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