If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
