Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
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