Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
