I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
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