the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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