Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Randomize
