if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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