Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
