On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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