I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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