just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Operation Purity has been aborted
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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