never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
You took a bar mat shot.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize