apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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