oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
